The Love I lost, the love that never was

Once upon a time, a young man, a very handsome man showed interest in me, but i did not feel the same way, given the class gap(I was a form one and he was a form four) and the distance gap, i was from Nairobi, he was from Nyeri, i thought it could never work, anyway my greatest fear was that he wanted to play with my emotions since i was a shy and very gullible form one student and that made me mad. Was he handsome, yes he was, very handsome, my mother thought he was cute too. Was he intelligent, he made it to the University of Nairobi. He was tall, he was funny, he was considerate, he made me laugh and he was very patient. Perfect! right, so why did i say no?

My previous relationship had messed me up a bit and i had failed in my exams, i thought that i could not serve two masters at the same time. They say women can multitask easily but not me, i can only do one thing at a time. I wanted to go to the University of Nairobi and not just any other university, the thought of not making it scared me a lot.

Maybe the best reason that i an ever give is that i did not feel the same way as he did. Years later, he sent me a success card and reminded me that he still love me, i still ignored it because i had already forgetten about him, i was in love with a person who did not feel the same way about me. At that point, i must have understand the way it felt to be rejected, i burned his photo, and letter lest one day i be tempted to call him ad hook up with him, that was because, at times my greatest fear is that i cannot control my impulses, my urges that my heart in control of my mind and not the other way round. That scares me a lot, but here was a boy that may be i liked and he liked me, but i had to make a choice.

Years later we met at the university of Nairobi, he asked me a lot of questions, he still liked me, but i did not.

Now when i haven't seen him in years, his face comes back to haunt me. The heart is a funny thing, he had everything including a job but i said no.

Now at times i wished i would have said yes and find out where it could have led, then i ask myself, do i really like him or is it the loniliness. I do not know what it is, because, i have had many proposals over the years, but his has stuck on my mind, i don't regret any other decision i have taken to cut out a man in my life except for him. I feel so strngly for him, but my heart keeps on denying it, it does not feel any love for him. Maybe i do, why would i think about him so much.

Anyway, now all i know it was i love i could have had, but will never have because it never mine. Maybe

Loving and Not Being Loved Back

During my first days in high school, I saw a tall brown skinned boy and fell head over heels in love with him, he was not like the boys in my primary school, who I thought were immature, though i did fall for one of them, but these form three boy made me forget about him, the only one i could think about was him and how hot he looked, i could tell he was becoming a man because his beard was beginning to show. I was hooked, positively knocked out by him, i thought i was in heaven.

He was a prefect, a tough mean spirited bully of a prefect, you should have seen the soldier like tough look he gave the students on line at the dining hall whenever he was prefect on duty. It scared me too, at first i thought he was a kitchen worker, one employed by the school to make sure that the students formed a straight line and that they observed strict discipline.

Being a small baby faced girl, i felt that many of the students i would see would fall under the category of 'men and women.' and me a baby. It's funny how these 'men' captured my heart and made me see myself as a woman too.

Whenever i would make a presentation in the chapel he would be seated at the very last row, clapping in the air jokingly just for me laugh, yet i was in front, i had to hold it back and look away just to avoid seeing his childish antics, otherwise i would make a fool of myself.

My heart longed for him and sure enough we would hang around and talk, i have no idea how it all started but it did. Then one day he came to my class. My heart leapt with joy, thinking he had come for me, the other girls would be dead jealous, he was coveted after all, and the boys would realise that he was after all a gentle creature, one capable of loving. But the main question on their mind would be." How did she do it?"

I smiled satisfactorily at myself. I followed him out and i was swinging with his hand, was so happy. I was playing with him and he was enjoying it.

But i was not the only the one, there was someone else on his other arm, the girl he had come to see, the most beautiful girl in our class, he liked her and she liked him. None of them had an idea that i liked the boy too, and if they did, they never showed. I had no choice but to move on, being a lady i cannot hold on to the hand of a man who doesn't love.

Disappointed i watched them walk away together. He wasn't made for me.

The lesson was, in life i will love many who will not love me back, but the true measure of love, and greatest lesson of love is walking away when you know the man is not yours. Love is not selfish, if he loves someone else, or if he is married, i have no right to interefere, because forced love and rape are the same thing.

I am glad i fell for him because it taught me what love is all about.

Loving and Not Being Loved Back

During my first days in high school, I saw a tall brown skinned boy and fell head over heels in love with him, he was not like the boys in my primary school, who I thought were immature, though i did fall for one of them, but these form three boy made me forget about him, the only one i could think about was him and how hot he looked, i could tell he was becoming a man because his beard was beginning to show. I was hooked, positively knocked out by him, i thought i was in heaven.

He was a prefect, a tough mean spirited bully of a prefect, you should have seen the soldier like tough look he gave the students on line at the dining hall whenever he was prefect on duty. It scared me too, at first i thought he was a kitchen worker, one employed by the school to make sure that the students formed a straight line and that they observed strict discipline.

Being a small baby faced girl, i felt that many of the students i would see would fall under the category of 'men and women.' and me a baby. It's funny how these 'men' captured my heart and made me see myself as a woman too.

Whenever i would make a presentation in the chapel he would be seated at the very last row, clapping in the air jokingly just for me laugh, yet i was in front, i had to hold it back and look away just to avoid seeing his childish antics, otherwise i would make a fool of myself.

My heart longed for him and sure enough we would hang around and talk, i have no idea how it all started but it did. Then one day he came to my class. My heart leapt with joy, thinking he had come for me, the other girls would be dead jealous, he was coveted after all, and the boys would realise that he was after all a gentle creature, one capable of loving. But the main question on their mind would be." How did she do it?"

I smiled satisfactorily at myself. I followed him out and i was swinging with his hand, was so happy. I was playing with him and he was enjoying it.

But i was not the only the one, there was someone else on his other arm, the girl he had come to see, the most beautiful girl in our class, he liked her and she liked him. None of them had an idea that i liked the boy too, and if they did, they never showed. I had no choice but to move on, being a lady i cannot hold on to the hand of a man who doesn't love.

Disappointed i watched them walk away together. He wasn't made for me.

The lesson was, in life i will love many who will not love me back, but the true measure of love, and greatest lesson of love is walking away when you know the man is not yours. Love is not selfish, if he loves someone else, or if he is married, i have no right to interefere, because forced love and rape are the same thing.

I am glad i fell for him because it taught me what love is all about.